PS i can't believe U

I graduated from Penn State University in 2008 with two degrees and I was so proud. I wasn't just proud on graduation day, but for the entire time I spent at Penn State. Penn State was the first place where I felt at home and the first place I felt that I belonged, and I felt that way just because it was the natural result of being there. I knew, or I really thought that I knew that I would always love it there.

I have spent the better part of three days trying to dig up a way to get that feeling back. I've been trying to find something, anything to give me that pride and love back. I want to agree with my peers who are standing by our school and still able to believe in its motto, "we are Penn State." If I could wish for anything right now, it would be to agree with them. I can read all of the motivating quotes about how Penn State is more than just football and more than just a few disgusting people and I can try to become inspired. I am not admonishing those who have found a way to make peace with this scandal and come out still loving Penn State. I am so sorry to utter these two words that follow, words that I hate saying ever because they encompass the whole idea of giving up. But, here goes:

I.... CAN'T....

I can't love Penn State anymore. I never thought my feelings could change so quickly but I have learned something new about myself in the past few days. I am embarrassed to be associated with the school. Or rather, I want no association with the school. I was arguing with an author today, a high esteemed author in my opinion, because he seemed to be lumping the Penn State students (current and former) with the disgusting pervert who raped children and the disgusting people who knew what he was doing and didn't report it. That author reminded me of something important, something I had long forgotten because of the sense of belonging and the sense of family mentality created by Penn State. He told me, "You need to separate your identity from Penn State. Thats why you are taking these as attacks on yourself--because you see yourself as an extension of Penn State. You're a person, not a piece of Penn State."

I never thought (and I mean no offense by this) that Tucker Max would make me feel better about completely losing faith in a place that I loved and trusted. Up until I found out about this deplorable scandal, I was just like the stereotypical Penn State student. The DAY before I found out about this, I was in the car with my boyfriend and the car in front of us had a Penn State sticker on its back window. My boyfriend saw that "Penn State look" (that's the only way I can describe it) in my eyes upon seeing it. It's the same look I used to get every time I would meet a new person that went to Penn State, a new member of the "family" that my alma mater created for me. I used to try to describe it to people who didn't go to Penn State. I would try to explain that there was an unspoken connection, an inexplicable bond between Penn State students that just came naturally.

Consider me personally disconnecting myself from that family. This is me breaking the bond because everything I ever thought Penn State has been permanently destroyed. I am not going to sit here and say that everyone should consider to admire Joe Paterno because he "performed his legal duty" by telling his bosses what Mike McQueary had reported to him. I'm not going to breath a sigh of relief because a bunch of people are rattling off every fact they've ever learned about hearsay in order to justify Paterno's inaction. I'm not going to entertain the idea of possibly supporting Penn State's president, Graham Spanier, ever again. He thought that adequate action had been taken when Sandusky was ordered not to bring any more children into Penn State's football building. The first words that Spanier uttered to the public after word of this scandal went viral was that the two employees (now resigned--what a coincidence) who failed to report the incident and perjured themselves to a grand jury about their knowledge of the incident, had his "UNCONDITIONAL SUPPORT."

People who have maintained their Penn State pride are advising everyone to dissociate their happy memories of Penn State from this horrible scandal. Well, as I said, "I CAN'T." It is all one in the same for me no matter what I do. Deep down, that is just truly the way I feel and every single one of my memories of Penn State is damaged. I double majored in English and French at Penn State. I had Spanier's wife as an English teacher and I remember that I didn't even realize it at first. I remember the day that she handed out one of our textbooks and I made the connection when I read the dedication, "For Graham." I used to describe this memory as "pretty cool." Now it makes me sick. Not just that memory, not just memories at all. Penn State makes me sick, RIGHT NOW.

I do not know what I can do to even attempt to fix this situation, but in order to get myself out of this pile of Penn State pride garbage, I know that I need to do something. I want to help the victims, I want everyone who knew about what happened and failed to report it to get the punishment that they deserve. But I know that I have to do more than just want. While people are deciding what color to wear to the next Penn State football game to express their emotions and opinions on this scandal while still showing their support for Penn State, I will be figuring out exactly what type of action I can personally take to get rid of this sick feeling in my heart.

Tucker Max is right. At first I was getting offended because I was taking the attacks on Penn State personally because I felt like I was "a piece of Penn State." Now I know that I am NOT a piece of Penn State. I am a person who went to Penn State. I am a person who got two diplomas from Penn State. But I am NOT Penn State. I am a person who feels betrayed by Penn State. Now, instead of trying to find a way to accept it, I have to figure out a way to change it. I'm not sure how I will do this yet. I just know that I am separate from this corrupt "community" and I am making peace with that.

I will figure out some sort of action to take. I have to, because even though I have lost faith in Penn State as an institution, I have not lost faith in myself. But if I just sit and do nothing about it, then I will lose faith in myself and I am not going to let Penn State take that away from me.

*Forgive me for any display of bitterness or lack of support for Penn State... but I don't like rape.

COMMENT from the Author

I want to thank everyone who continues to visit this page. I really appreciate that people read what I write on here.

I also want to remind everyone that the "comments" feature is supposed to be used for just that: making comments relevant to the posts on here. I read through the comment page today and found that people had been using it as a means to insult each other and discuss issues that I cannot even decipher. I would appreciate if everyone would refrain from using the comment page on my blog to attack others. That is the complete opposite of why I created this page in the first place.

I just read that somebody who previously had a link to one of my articles took it down as a result of peoples' immature behavior in the comment page. This means that less people are reading my page because people feel the need to have some sort of Internet war on the comment page of MY blog.

I apologize to those NOT involved in this behavior for having to make this post, but I don't want to see this going on my page. I am just politely requesting that anyone who calls themselves a reader of my page to refrain from behaving this way. If you read my page, you know that I am strongly against bullying, so I definitely do not want to see any bullying going on at the expense of my blog and the people who read it.

Thank you :)

Give Me Something to Write About

What topic would you like to see covered? Leave suggestions in the comments. :)

I'm going to have a movie review up soon about ABC Family's movie "CyberBully" which aired last night. Stay tuned!

COMING SOON....

New Post coming soon, I PROMISE!!!! Sorry, it has been a VERY busy summer. Thank you for those who have continued reading. I'll be back :)

The Internet Imitates Life... But It Is Not The Same

I will start this off by admitting the truth: I do not have 667 friends. That’s an outrageously large number of people with whom to have close relationships. However, if you were to happen upon my Facebook page, you would see 667 friends listed. Originally when social networking pages such as Facebook came out, many people in society thought it would be a great way to keep in touch with friends and reconnect with friends from the past. While these websites are useful for that purpose, they cannot compete with real life. Actually, they sometimes manage to conceal what is really going on in real life.

For example, upon seeing someone’s Facebook page similar to mine broadcasting upwards of 700 friends, nobody would expect the person behind the page to have no friends and spend their nights alone in reality. People can use the Internet to conceal pain and loneliness; anybody can act happy online. Hypothetically, someone in hysterical tears can muster up a Facebook status about how summer is amazing so far and post it for their digital friends to read. Afterwards, it is likely that some people will even click “like” on the aforementioned status. A stranger not knowing the difference who stumbled upon the page might assume that the people who clicked “like” are the page owner’s friends. And in some situations that is true, but in other situations it’s a complete facade. Not many people take the time to notice the difference.

I have witnessed numerous conversations in which one person will say something like “I have no friends” or “I never have anyone to go out with,” only to receive a response like “I’ve seen your Facebook and your Twitter and you clearly have friends.” The Internet imitates life and many people believe most of what they read online, especially on social networking pages.

Some users of social networking pages even acknowledge this problem. Upon doing some research, I came across Facebook groups that were created to bring together people who experience some of the above-mentioned social networking phenomena. For example, the group, “Facebook- a relationship’s worst enemy” was created to express the fact that once people publicly declare that they are “in a relationship” online, copious amounts of drama ensues. Some couples share too much information with their Internet friends, and it is detrimental to their relationship. Conversely, another group is titled “Facebook makes every relationship legit,” meaning that if a couple decides to leave their relationship off of the Internet, people might not even believe that they are actually dating. Some people do not care what their peers think of them, but more people are affected by these opinions and judgments.

Another problem that has arisen with the popularity of social networking pages is the amount of time people spend on these websites. Some people allow the Internet world to take over the real world. Some Facebook groups that encompass this problem are entitled “I just can’t get Facebook out of my head” and “I eat, sleep, & breathe Facebook.” Another group called “I actually know all of my friends on Facebook” was created for the users who have not allowed Facebook to affect on their personal lives.

Additionally, some people post so much information online that it almost makes regular, personal conversations obsolete. People don’t feel the need to ask how somebody’s weekend was if they already saw the answer in a Facebook newsfeed or a tweet on Twitter. For some people, this is convenient, but for others it puts a damper on friendships that used to flourish.

In conclusion, social networking pages can be very helpful in terms of keeping in touch with people and rekindling old friendships. However, these pages can also become too powerful if their users do not exercise caution. If a social networking page is ruining any aspect of your actual life, that’s a red flag that you have given the Internet too much power. Also, adding people as a friend on Facebook or following people on Twitter does not create real life friendships. This may seem like a blatantly obvious statement, but some people have gotten unbelievably caught up in these websites. All of the retweets, “likes” and comments in the world will not improve anyone’s actual social life.

NEW ENTRY COMING SOON-- I PROMISE!! Sorry for the hiatus. Even the most brilliant bloggers sometimes can't think of topics to write about. When that happens, feel free to give me some ideas.

Panic Attacks Are Normal: The Truth About Anxiety Disorder

Have you ever been mid-panic attack and had somebody, in an annoyingly nonchalant tone of voice, tell you to calm down or snap out of it? In these situations, the person making the remark likely believes that it is perfectly appropriate and even helpful behavior. The person in the midst of an anxiety attack would strongly disagree. For people who suffer from anxiety disorder, “calm down,” “snap out of it” and other phrases of that kind can be compared to scenes in the Harry Potter series where someone slips and says “Voldemort” instead of “he who must not be named” or “you know who.” For those readers who are not familiar with Harry Potter, whenever the characters hear the word “Voldemort” they become intensely upset, angry, and scared. These phrases are bad words for people who suffer from anxiety disorder; they are rage-inducing comments that make an already uncomfortable situation infinitely more unbearable.

This in no way means that the average person who uses those phrases maliciously truants people with anxiety disorder with the intent of worsening their condition; it means that the average person is unaware that anxiety disorder is a genuine, prevalent illness. Further, even the people who are not completely ignorant to the existence of the illness remain glaringly uninformed of the damage that it causes. Some even demand explanations for the behavior of people suffering from anxiety disorder. A person with the disorder often has no idea what triggered a particular anxiety attack and will become more distressed upon being badgered about why the panic is happening.

One of the main reasons that many people do not understand the severity of anxiety disorder is because everybody experiences some form of anxiety during life. People get nervous for exams and get stressed out when they have piles work to do, for example. This is a completely normal aspect of life. However, anxiety for the average person and anxiety for people suffering from anxiety disorder are so different that there probably should be two different words to differentiate them.
If the average person is experiencing anxiety about some aspect of life, that person might worry, have a faster than usual heart rate, or feel more tense than usual. However, usually that person is able to move on from those symptoms and tackle the part of life that caused them.

That is how anxiety works for the average person. That is why many people in society resent the fact that people claim to have anxiety disorder. They figure that everyone gets anxious every now and then, but not everyone runs around claiming that they are suffering from a serious disorder because of anxiety. It is completely accurate to think that, because not everyone who has felt nervous at some point in life is suffering from a serious disorder. However, many people in society actually are suffering from this serious mental illness.

This disease feels absolutely nothing like the way the average person might feel while studying for a difficult exam. People with anxiety do not have rare instances of mild anxiety, they regularly feel anxious and overwhelmed about aspects of life that many people would not consider difficult. The disorder completely interrupts the flow of life. It interferes with relationships, ability to work, and many other everyday activities. They are not just worried about an upcoming job interview, for example, but they have irrational fears of every possible way it could go wrong. This applies to a large part of their lives, so they are constantly on edge and worrying.

Sometimes people with anxiety disorder even avoid everyday activities to avoid the anxiety that comes with them. The feeling of panic can become so intense that people with this disorder would rather stay inside then have to worry about the catastrophes that could ensue if they were to go outside and go about their day. This can mean avoiding friends and family, skipping school or work, and destroying other important parts of life. "[Generalized Anxiety Disorder] is the leading cause of workplace disability (in the United States)." See: Consensus Statement on Generalized Anxiety Disorder From The International Consensus Group on Depression and Anxiety, by clicking here.

Anxiety disorder patients feel constant, intense fear about situations that would not pose a threat to the average person without the disease. The disease also has physical symptoms including insomnia, difficulty breathing, stomach pains, and many others. If these symptoms sound debilitating it is because they truly are.

Unfortunately, for people with anxiety disorder, the condition worsens when they are compared to the boy who cried wolf, referred to as drama queens, or even accused of exaggerating or lying. Society has made progress when it comes to acknowledging the condition; the field of psychiatry has greatly expanded, for example, but it is not nearly enough.
Having this disorder still comes with a stigma, one that is great enough that many people with the disorder feel the need to hide their illness and are embarrassed by it. This causes added stress, since they are constantly trying to maintain an idealistic “normal life” because that is the general expectation. This expectation gives people with this disorder more to worry about; not only are they already worrying about their everyday lives, but they also are worrying about maintaining an acceptable reputation in society.

Nobody should have to be embarrassed because they have a legitimate disorder. People with anxiety disorder should receive much more accommodations than the few (if any) that they currently receive. People with diseases that are accepted by society as a whole receive copious accommodations to help them get through life. Supporting people with diseases has even become a trend in the form of rubber bracelets like the livestrong bracelets. One of my favorite pieces of jewelry is a large rubber bracelet that says “panic attacks are normal” in bold, capital letters. But my bracelet is a rather unique accessory that many people don’t approve of or understand. If anxiety disorder continues not to be recognized for the disease that it really is, people who have it will continue to suffer more because of this alienation.